Tag Archives: special needs education

The Anxiety of all the Newness….

Leave a reply

So, this past week, I checked in with Henry – I am making a conscious effort not to call him too much – he’s told me that I’m being annoying…

We had deposited a significant amount of money into his account so that he could purchase his books.  Then we had to wade through the bank’s policies regarding how much he could take out in one day or one week…  We will be getting him a credit card to deal with such contingencies in future.  However, we did ask him for an accounting of the books thus far.  It turns out that he didn’t need quite the amount he had originally asked for.  In fact, he only needed about half the amount.  Now – most people would think they had been scammed…  But Henry does not have these artifices – he doesn’t know how to lie and if he tries, his face becomes so contorted that he gives himself away in a nanosecond!  But by his reckoning, the money was already there, so why mess with that?  (Take a moment to think this over, if you like…  a sip of coffee or bathroom break…)  I know that that logic made perfect sense to Henry, and indeed, probably to any teenager/young adult.  He was flabbergasted that we would expect the overage back!

So, then on to the next phase of our conversation, which was – he was spending cash on purchasing meals on campus.  This after a significant investment in a food plan – which is mandatory when you live in residence.  After a confused and panicked exchange of words, in which I directed him to get a little more information about where he could use his student card to swipe for meals, we hung up.  After which I received this text….

IMG_0073

 

Now – I’m no Svengali or mind reader, but I think he was upset!  So I called him back (obviously before Henry’s recommended time period).  He was extremely upset and sounded on the verge of tears.  I calmed him – let him know he was not going to starve; that we would work out an acceptable allowance; that he would have enough money to get by; that we were all figuring out this new situation and we would work it out.  News flash…  There is a happy ending…

IMG_0074

The Second Time Around…

3 Replies
I just love Nespresso!!!

I just love Nespresso!!!

Get a cup of tea or cappuccino and get comfortable – this post is going to be long…  This has been a very busy summer.  I’ve been on a lengthy paperwork trail.  It’s tedious and time consuming – but a necessary evil.

One of the things we had to accomplish this summer was another psychological assessment for Henry.  I had suspected as much when we began to apply for colleges.  Henry’s previous assessment was 10 years old – he was 8 when we had it completed.  First, let me tell you about that journey….

I’m often asked, “When did I know something was “wrong” with Henry?”  I don’t think that the word “wrong” is accurate.  I can tell you this….  I knew that he was a very difficult baby!  He never seemed to sleep – except on top of me!  When I tried to lay him in his crib, he would wake up and bellow – whereupon, the whole rocking, trying to fall asleep business would start all over again.  When he woke from naps or in the morning, he would cry for at least 30 minutes – nothing could soothe him.  And he wouldn’t take one of those soothers – every time I desperately tried to plug him with one, he would spit it out!  He hated transitions… (enough said on that subject!)  He didn’t seem to feel heat or cold… or pain – which really freaked me out!  His food sensitivities seemed to start when I cut off the bottle.  He was obviously a late talker – you really couldn’t understand anything until he was 5.  But did I know something was wrong?  Not really…  until preschool.

Where's the couch??

Where’s the couch??

His teachers expressed concern…  He was apparently staring off into space while the rest of the children were engaged.  There were some incidents of him acting out (that’s politic speak for hitting, tantrums, etc.)  It got to the point where I sometimes dreaded picking him up from preschool – with one of his teachers approaching me with a quasi-smile to tell me of the latest incident.  So – I started with some consultations.  Before preschool, I had consulted some specialist because he was in his hitting/biting phase (at that point, hitting and biting me when he was frustrated – which was frequently).  I had no idea what to do.  The books were useless…  There was no internet.  I received some excellent advice at this time.  Then after he began preschool, I was referred to the public agency that “does” assessments.   But before they did that, there was a hearing test administered (something that Left Brain has insisted I do recently because I can’t understand his mumblings…)  It was actually pretty funny watching him behind the glass – he couldn’t say yes or no or lift a finger but he kept looking left and right for the sounds.  The good news was – his hearing was perfect.  But you might be horrified to learn that I almost started crying.  Because if his hearing was okay, then what was wrong?  They then saw him (after a lengthy wait list to get in), for a total of 30 minutes – this with a break in-between…  I was given a one-page, 3-paragraph report that stated he had a speech disability.  No shit Sherlock…  Not helpful.

We decided that Henry was not ready for elementary school at that point and enrolled him in another year of senior kindergarten.  Henry was born in September anyway, so wouldn’t be that behind his peers.  I consulted an educational consultant to try to find an appropriate school for him.  I basically quit everything that year…  I used to play competitive tennis – not only was it a wonderful respite, but I enjoyed the social aspect of it and hey – it’s fun to be good at something that’s only about you.  She did not give me any kind of diagnosis, but was helpful in finding us some options.  Now to get those schools to accept him – but that’s another story….

By the way… just so you know?  This has been an incredibly hard blog to write – I’ve been taking breaks constantly…  It’s hard to relive this and to try to accurately describe what this time was like.  So I’ll pick up the story in another instalment…

Moving Up – Part 2…

3 Replies

So, it’s Sunday night…  We moved him in this morning.  Henry was tense – I was tense.  He was “snappish” with me – although, to be fair, trying to put a duvet into a duvet cover is an exercise in patience and frustration…

When we left, he walked out to the car with us, where there were prolonged hugs.  I got in the car and started driving, and thought – OK!  I’m good!  This is an exciting time for Henry and a new chapter for me (and Left Brain).  This is what you work for, right?

We decided to golf today – why not?  Beautiful day – no reason to have to rush home…  We met a group of friends who immediately asked about Henry – thankfully, I had my sunglasses on.  The problem with writing a blog is that everyone knows what’s going on in your life – which is also a good thing.  But today – all I could do was nod – “yes – Henry’s good – I’m fine” – and then I had to go to the bathroom where I began to cry in a piteous way.  And I’m afraid I’m one of those “ugly criers”…  I had to do this privately.  Once recovered, I rejoined the crowd (with my sunglasses firmly planted on my nose – no need to share my swollen, red, puffy eyes…)  Later, my eyes would be red and puffy because of the pathetic “play” on the course, but that’s another story…  Just as an aside, I have to send big thank you’s to all my Mom friends, who have been so supportive and understanding during this time.  They all “get” what a big thing this is for Henry and for me.

I kept my phone on today, just in case…  Henry hardly ever calls me, unless there’s a money emergency!  He called three times today.  I was pathetically glad to hear from him.

So…. my baby’s gone for good.  But even worse, what if he comes home?  Will he make friends? Will he leave his room for fun stuff, and not just to eat?  Will he have a good time?  When you’ve spent so many years controlling an environment for your child, this loss of control is excruciating.  I know I have to let go, but jeez – it’s hard.  I have a headache – think I’ll take two Advil and go to bed….

Moving Up?

Leave a reply
Wasn't sure whether the Clampetts or Jeffersons should be used for this blog...

Wasn’t sure whether the Clampetts or Jeffersons should be used for this blog…

We turn the corner into the driveway – it has become a familiar drive – and I have an overwhelming sensation of wanting to throw up!  This is something that I haven’t felt since pregnancy, and/or an unfortunate experience with Harvey Wallbangers…..(and Long Island Iced Teas… in fact, any drinks whose syllables are longer than 3 should be avoided altogether – but include in that category wine which is being “refreshed” by your brother-in-law, who has decided that food is an unnecessary distraction!  But, I digress…)

I am moving Henry into residence today.  I’m so conflicted….  We have been working towards this goal for almost 19 years – I’m not sure we’re ready… (Henry and I… not Left Brain (he says he’s looking forward to some quiet in the house – I may have to become obnoxiously loud).

So – let’s talk about Henry first.  He is at turns very excited, and then lashing out at me.  The lashing out is always explained by him…. “I’m under a lot of pressure right now Mom…”  SO AM I, I want to shout…  Back to yesterday…  We paid extra so that he could move in early, before the throngs of kids who will be coming on Sunday and Monday.  I had prepared and purchased everything that I thought he would need (see earlier post, “Please Don’t Make Me Go….”)  If he was missing anything, then I would have time to get it before his official move-in date.  We forgot a few things at home (my fault – I should have checked exactly what he was packing in the car…)  After a bed check – this one is too soft – this one is just right;

IMG_0071

we began to put a few things up on the walls.  I bought some of those sticky things that don’t mark the wall.  And they don’t mark the wall!  But they also don’t stick the desired poster to the wall!!!  Figures!  So Henry laboriously peels and sticks 50 more little squares to adhere his calendar (so he can stay organized) to the back of the thing and then repositions it on the wall.  Two minutes later – clunk!  Not working – whereupon he’s about to launch into the stratosphere.  I am making a list as we go along to note anything that we need, or isn’t working.  When he’s calm (sort of), I show him the list so he’s reassured that we won’t forget anything.  Also, so he can contribute anything that he thinks is necessary!

Now… how am I doing with this transition?  I don’t know yet – we’ve been so busy this week that I am at turns agitated (read:  can’t sleep), and then so exhausted I sleep straight through with no remembrance of dreams.  Of course, I can hardly recall my name when I wake up, but that could be a menopause thing…  One of my BFF’s asked me this morning whether I needed a hug… I said yes, but declined because I was afraid I would start crying and not stop.  I called my Mom and Dad today (it’s their 55th wedding anniversary – way to go!!!  that’s a looong frikking time….)  She remarked that I’d probably have a great weekend (number one son left today as well).  I said, “Noooo – I don’t think it’s going to be a great weekend….”

We move him in permanently on Sunday.  I’ll let you know how it goes….

Looking for Mr. Right….

Leave a reply
A little too tall for my taste, but otherwise, not bad.....

A little too tall for my taste, but otherwise, not bad…..

Tall, dark and handsome, perhaps??  Well… if I were writing this ad, and I’m not, because I’ve already found Mr. Right, but if I were….  “Average height (because tall people make me nervous…), dark and handsome.  Must be smart, have a good sense of humour and athletic (not a superstar or anything – but someone I can play tennis and golf with for eternity…)  Must be willing to NOT sweat the small stuff, and definitely not take oneself too seriously.”  Didn’t I luck out 26 years ago (!!!! – has it been that long already?)

But this ad is not about what I want…. It’s about what Henry is looking for in a roommate at college.  On the residence website, he was asked to describe himself – an ad, as it were.

“I am extremely introverted and socially awkward.”  (Good start!!!  What a selling feature!!)    “I hate loud noises and can’t stand strong smells.”  (He does realize he is a part of male teenagerdom, doesn’t he?  Aren’t all teenage boys loud and smelly?)   “I am frequently claustrophobic and need quiet to do my homework.  I am interested in science, specifically, green technology, as well as astronomy, but not pseudo-science like astrology.  I am into PC gaming and all technology.”

OK then….  Any takers?  The drill on this website is that the kids can surf, and shop each other.  If they like what they see, they can hit the bid.  So Henry waits….  A day before the deadline, a kid picks Henry.  And then unpicks him – defriends him – 10 minutes before the deadline.  That’s cold….  Henry was insulted – and then worried.  Because at this point, the college picks someone for you.  “But what if they pick a douche to be my roommate?”  I’m trying not to laugh, and calm his anxieties – because it is no small thing for him to have to share a space with someone for the next 8 months.

One of my chief concerns about Henry living in residence was the question of a roommate.  He definitely has sensitivities and has very little tolerance for alternate lifestyles (all those that differ from his own….)  He needs downtime and quiet every single day – but will especially need it when he’s dealing with a new environment and all of the academic challenges ahead.  I was relieved during the college campus tour to see that the rooms in residence consisted of two separate bedrooms (with doors), which are connected by a common lounge area, kitchenette and a bathroom that the two share.  Thank Goodness…. I wouldn’t have to make a request for him to have a room to himself (which I was fully prepared to do)….

The college has selected a roommate for him – Henry has not contacted him yet.  But we are talking this up as an exciting opportunity – a branching out – an important part of his college career – making new friends.  We will take it one step at a time – as we do with everything!  This kid doesn’t have to be Mr. Perfect – just perfect for Henry….

Graduation – A Catch 22

Leave a reply

As I sat this morning, surfing the Web for sales, I realize I’ve been postponing this particular post…. (and I don’t even like to shop – even from the comfort of my own home!)  Graduation is tonight, and I am so conflicted.

Obviously, I am happy and proud with Henry’s achievements, as well as the countless others who contributed to his success.  At times, we weren’t sure whether or not he would even graduate from high school – or how long it might take him.  For his part, he is excited about the fall – college, residence, new friends…. But we are leaving a safe and happy place to enter the unknown, very adult world of college.

I ran into a group of friends this week on the street having coffee.  It went like this…  “How’s Henry?” they asked.  “Fine,” I said.  “He’s going off to college and living in residence this fall.”  “How will he be with that?” they asked.  “I think he’ll be fine – I hope so – we’ve set up a lot of support for him,” I say.  “How will you be?”…..  I realize in horror, that I’m perilously close to bursting into tears.  Thank God for my Maui Jims!  I haven’t been this emotional since I was 14, crossing over the threshold into “womanhood” (BTW, health class didn’t even come close to preparing me for the next 60 years….)  I manage to pull myself back from the brink of the cliff and tell them the in-house joke of the past couple of months.  I’ve been telling Brian (Left Brain), that come September, he’d better start paying more attention to me or I’m getting a dog for each room of the house!  He tells me not to threaten him….

So, with these mixed feelings, I am charging up the camera battery, checking the flash, ensuring I have waterproof mascara, and picking out an outfit that is comfortable, and not too hot (basically one of my menopausal uniforms…)

I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow….

Is The Bar Too High?

2 Replies

fosbury

So… Henry is standing beside my chair (thankfully, before Game of Thrones starts!!!  I mean really!  What is happening with Tyrion??!!) and he is shifting from one foot to the next, as he tremulously says, “Mom?”  Now – I’m no genius – but I figure, something is up.

Indeed – he produced a math worksheet – God – I hate math word problems!!!  When are any of us ever going to have to manually figure out how to compound interest?!  Isn’t that one of the wonders of technology?  And if you have a child with a language based disability, math word problems are the dearth of our existence!!!!

Anyways, we worked through the problem.  But not before his anxiety started to ramp up and the shifting from one foot to the other became a frenzied dance.  And not in a “Dance like nobody’s watching” kind of way.

Next year, Henry is taking a foundation course at college (since he was in applied curriculum courses during high school), to get his university level english and math – and some sciences, because why not?  His eventual ambition is to take a course at The University of Ontario called Energy & Environmental Physics.  YIKES!!!!

Are we setting him up for failure?  Is the bar too high?

When John set off for university 2 years ago, it was to the same institution where some poor kid jumped out of a window and killed himself.  Now – I’ve always been pretty open and frank with my kids – especially John – and we let him know that there was absolutely no problem that was unsolveable.  Still – it’s a fairly scary thing as a parent to worry about whether or not your child is suffering in silence.  (Check out http://www.thejackproject.org to see the good work they are doing to open up the conversation about mental health).

I have asked Henry’s teachers repeatedly whether they think he can succeed in this program.  They assure me that his work ethic, organizational skills, enthusiasm and desire to succeed will get him through.  I know all these things about him…  Am I being a shitty parent worrying that he might not be able to do this?  I don’t want to be a Gloomy Gus Naysayer… my parents were like that – it was all about having a marketable skill.  That’s all fine – but, if you hate what you’re doing, how marketable are you going to be?  It’s a long life and everyone should have the privilege of pursuing their passions.

So – although we are setting up every conceivable support system that I and the team at Durham can think of to help Henry succeed, there is always a Plan B.  We’ve already set him up with tutors; he might have to take a reduced course load…  If he finds the math and science courses are too tough, then we will look at alternative courses that he might be interested in….

I guess the point is, it is not Brian and I who are setting that bar higher and ever higher.  It is Henry!  And like the cushiony pad under the high jump bar, we will be there to cushion his fall – if there is one.  One thing is certain – we will always, always be on the sidelines cheering him on until our voices are hoarse….